Stubbornness and the Art of Beneficial Insistence

November 25th, 2009

Stubbornness is a tricky thing. It can elevate you to greatness or guarantee persistent folly. Nelson Mandela endured nearly three decades in prison stubbornly realizing his dream of ending apartheid, however, Napoleon crippled his army by insisting they march on Moscow. Stubbornness is too often misunderstood and misused. Let’s look at how to use use it to our advantage and not our detriment.

Language is a tool you inherit, not a tool you build. We rely on hundreds, nay, thousands of years of linguistic development, hoping that words developed thus far can adequately serve our needs of expression. Stubborn doesn’t do a great job of that.

To understand the problems associated with the word stubborn, we need to understand how the word came to be.

The word stubborn likely originates from the merging of the Old English word stub, meaning a tree stump, and the ending -or, meaning a tendency. When someone describes themselves as “stubborn”, the heritage of that word is referring to them as a having a tendency to behave like a tree stump.

Not surprisingly, different people can interpret this in their own ways. If I call myself stubborn, I might well be thinking, “I steadfastly adhere to an ideal as though I were a firmly rooted tree stump.” Meanwhile another might think, “He bitterly adheres to his ideals despite better reason, much like a pesky unmovable stump.” Where one sees virtue, others may see vice.

It comes as no surprise stubbornness can simultaneously represent two things: unwavering adherence to your own ideals, and being a real pain in the ass.

Stubbornness and flexibility are two sides of the same coin.

While there’s value in stubbornness, there’s also value in flexibility. The key is to know which one to use in a given situation. Being stubborn and being flexible are two sides of the same coin; you can’t be good at one unless you’re good at the other.

If you have a considered, rational, up-to-date belief, you should stick to it. Sure. Be stubborn. Be difficult. Especially if the belief is integral to the wellbeing of yourself or others.

Being stubborn is a lot easier when we don’t have to convince others to back our beliefs. But rarely do we exist as islands. In interpersonal situations where priorities collide, it’s essential to be adaptable and open to finding innovative solutions. Often there are ways to maintain your position and let others maintain theirs.

However, there isn’t always an innovative solution or the means to find one. In these cases where two stubborn people clash, flexibility has a role. Moving from stubborn to flexible gives you the moral high ground for having made the effort. Often a little concession is all it takes to resolve a butting of heads.

When everything else fails and there’s no innovative solution and no chance of compromise, it’s best to cut your losses. You can’t change someone else’s mind for them through badgering alone. Change the game, shake things up, or just move on.

Rarely do you hurt your pride as much as it hurts you.

Sometimes you need to make an about face, a reversal of position on a subject. This can be hard to do, particularly if you took a vehement stand. But there are times where swallowing your pride is the right route to take:

1. If the situation has dramatically changed.
2. If your logic was faulty in the first place.

Reversals of position are quite hard for some people, particularly so when they insisted they were, and always will be, right. Admitting you were wrong is typically considered shameful, perhaps too much so. Yet, flip-flopping and being flighty is one thing, adopting to new realities and correcting wrongs is another.

It takes a secure person to say “I was wrong.” It’s a hard thing to do and people too often persecute this behavior. The insecure are more than happy to taunt, “Ha ha! I was right, you were wrong”, betraying their interest in schoolyard victory over mutual progress.

It’s far better to admit a past mentality no longer serves future progress. When famed economist John Maynard Keynes was criticized by a reporter for reversing his position on a key subject, he famously responded, “When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?”

Doubt yourself! It’s good for you.

???

It’s beneficial to periodically reevaluate your stance on a subject. Time and facts change. And if you’ve been doing something wrong all along, you shouldn’t insist on paying the price indefinitely. It takes more courage to admit you’re wrong than to insist that you’re right.

Doubt is good for you! It gives you a chance to flush out your mistakes before it’s too late. Moreover it can give you a reason to believe ever more in your cause.

It also helps you get others on board. Remember, it’s your responsibility to defend your position, not just plug your ears and close your eyes. You need to understand your reasons for taking a stand, and be able to explain yourself to others. Not only now, but also as situations change. Too often people forego articulating their reason for stubbornness and come across as senseless jerks. You need to take the time to evaluate why you choose to be stubborn, for the benefit of yourself and for those around you.

So, let’s sum everything up in one playsheet:

Stubbornness vs. Flexibility:

• Be good at being both stubborn and flexible.
• Be stubborn when you have a considered, rational, up-to-date belief.

When dealing with others:

1. Find innovative solutions. Think “us”, not “me vs. you”.
2. If that fails, be flexible.
3. If that fails, shake things up or move on.

On Pride:

• Don’t let your pride hinder your development.
• Don’t persecute others who have to swallow their pride.

Doubt yourself:

• Periodically reevaluate your position and make sure it’s still valid.
• Reaffirm belief in your cause.
• Understand your reasons.
• Take the time to explain yourself to others.